Train Humor - jokes from UK and US

No ticket? No problem!

A commuter on the train was looking everywhere for his ticket — in his pants pocket, his jacket, his wallet. He was searching with great frenzy, much to the amusement of the other passengers, who could see that he had the ticket in his mouth.

The conductor snatched the snip of paper, punched it and gave it back. When he moved on, the commuter's companion said, "I bet you feel pretty stupid sitting there looking everywhere for your ticket when it was right in your mouth all the time." "Why stupid?" replied the commuter. "I was chewing the date off. "

What train timetables are for ...

Traveller: "What's the use of you having a timetable if your rotten trains never stick to it?"
Conductor: "Well, sir ... how would you even know they were running late if not for the timetable?"

The good news and the bad news about riding a broken train

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

Guilty or not guilty, that's here the question

In an terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”

“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”

“How's that?” the lawyer asked.

“I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!”

How to solve any model railroading problem

How to solve any model railroading problem:

There's no situation more track and turnouts can't solve.

Why do railroads call those traffic signs "cross bucks"?

Why are those railroad signs that protect vehicle traffic at grade crossings called "cross bucks"?

Because if they didn't have them someone would be spending a lot of bucks on crosses.

Dangerous railroad work

A guy is having lunch at a beanery down by the tracks and while he's waiting for his food he notices the guy sitting next to him at the counter.

This guy has seen better days. He's got a wooden leg, one of his arms ends in a hook and if that weren't bad enough he's missing an eye.

"Say", says the man. "What happened to you?"

"Well", says the other "I've been workin' on the railroad. It's a sad story really. One day while I was working the yard I slipped and my leg went under a box car so that's why I got this here peg leg."

The first man nods sympathetically.

"Then when they were taking me to the hospital the dogone ambulance crew accidentally slammed the door on my hand and the doctors couldn't save it. Had to amputate. That's why I got the hook."

"Wow" exclaims the first guy. "That's some real tough luck! But what happened to your eye?"

"Got that when a bird flew overhead and dropped one right into my eye."

"Huh?" (How did that happen?)

"Yeah, it was my first day home from the hospital."

Locomotive dances up and down...

This is a squawk sheet left for the Engine shops by a train crew.

       (P) Dynamic brakes don't work at any speed.
       (S) This locomotive not equipped with dynamic brake.

       (P) #2 traction motor seeping oil.
       (S) #2 traction motor seepage normal -
            #1 #3 and #4 motors lack normal seepage.

       (P) Something loose in cab.
       (S) Something tightened in cab.

       (P) Evidence of leak in crankcase.
       (S) Evidence removed.

        (P) Alternator volume unbelievably loud.
        (S) Volume set to more believable level.

        (P) Locomotive dances up and down when brake applied at 89MPH.
        (S) Could not reproduce problem in enginehouse.

        (P) Dead bugs on windshield.
        (S) Live bugs on order.

        (P) Parking brake cause throttle lever to stick.
        (S) That's what it's there for.

        (P) Engine missing.
        (S) Engine found under hood after brief search.

        (P) Locomotive handles funny.
        (S) Locomotive given verbal warning to be serious.

        (P) Radio hums.
        (S) Reprogrammed radio with the words.

Why do train man have flat feet?

Why do ducks have flat feet?
From stomping out burning forest fires.

Well then, why do elephants have flat feet?
From stomping out burning ducks.

Why do train men have flat feet.
Actually it's a different part of their anatomy that gets flat..

No cooking on the back head no more - it's a loco no kitchen

Story from the years right after WW-II. Joe was firing for an engineer name of Carl. Somewhere recently Bill, the head end brakie had found some baked beans cans.

They'd been sharing 'em and heating them up by wedging the cans on the back head cause they were a lot better hot than cold. They were all having trouble keeping their eyes open late one night and somehow Bill forgot about that can he'd tucked in behind the sight glass.

Anyhow, sometime around 4 in the morning the can overheats and explodes. Carl who was half asleep hears the explosion and either he thinks the boiler's ruptured or that they hit a torpedo. So Carl he grabs the brake handle and puts 'er in full emergency before anyone can tell him different.

A bunch of wheels get flat spots but luckily nothing comes off the rails. After they get stopped, the conductor, a normally kinda calm feller, comes charging up to the engine to find out what happened.

He gets there in time to see Carl with an expression on his face the like of which nobody'd ever seen before and him telling the brakie Bill in no uncertain terms "... and you ain't never gonna cook **anything** on that backhead again. Never! You hear me boy? You hear me???" The conductor looks at the cab crew, then at the back head which has a good dose of what might once have been scrambled eggs and beans on it. He takes a whiff of the wonderful new cab aroma, shakes his head sadly and goes back to his hack. Carl and Bill were both pretty lucky to not get written up alright. But after that we got to eat our dinners cold...